This blog appeared originally as a social media post. It’s rare that I share so candidly anywhere online. But maybe someone out there needs to read this about perfectionism and failing…
“FAILURE CAN BE THE MOST RELIEVING ANTIDOTE TO PERFECTIONISM.”
I had spent much of my life trying to avoid failure. I remember that in primary school, I used to take a flashlight to bed to sneak-study under the covers. Anything less than an “A” on my tests felt really bad to me–“Bs” to “Fs” were all the same in my young eyeballs (and “cognitive distortion” thinking!).
It was much later in life–I was well-into adulthood–when I experienced a true, undeniable failure that was also totally my responsibility. At least when relationships failed, there was another variable that could alleviate some self-blame. Right? Nope, not this one.
I had worked my ass off on something, and I just couldn’t do it. I tried my hardest, and my previous mantra of “hard work can overcome anything” didn’t work.
The embarrassment and shame felt nearly unbearable to experience. “Who am I now?” I wanted to disappear and hide until no one would find out. But life didn’t permit that. In fact, word had spread and so people were being wonderfully supportive in asking, “How did you do?”
Biting back tears, “Not well.” I couldn’t utter the truth. That horrible f-word, “fail.”
My boss, at the time, also kindly followed up. Tears rushed from my ducts and down my cheeks. I’m pretty sure some ugly wailing sounds came out of my mouth, too. She pulled me into her office for privacy.
There, I learned of her failures along with stories about some other women I deeply respected. (No, she wasn’t breaking their trust in telling me.) Her initially flipping it to her own personal story wasn’t stealing my experience, as some do who share about themselves while you are in crisis. It was giving me hope and showing me that it was OK, and I would be OK. In fact, I learned that a couple of my role models failed the same thing I sucked-it at.
From trying my hardest and failing, I grew:
- I learned my mantra was not a reliable mantra anyway–it needed an add of “can overcome ALMOST anything.”
- Failing force-released the ball-and-chain of perfectionism/fearing failure.
- I learned that trying not to fail was far more unsafe than simply trying.
- Failing after trying my hardest gave me an experience that deepened my empathy.
- I learned that feeling bad won’t kill me/you/anyone. It just feels intolerably awful. BUT it passes.
- From failing, I walked into a deeper level of freedom and choice than I had ever experienced. I liked it.
For anyone out there who needs this story, I’m happy that my beautiful mess can comfort your beautiful mess. You won’t die–it’ll just feel bad for a while IF IF IF you fail/ed. Growth will come.
